Where I Am
I am frustrated and worn, O God. I am distracted and entertained, O God.
I have been wallowing in self loathing and self pity. The world seems to overtake my thoughts and my sin is always crouching at my door step. I “feel” frustrated and unmotivated because I “feel” trapped in a rut of selfishness and apathy. I am truly confused. I want to do good things; be a good man. I want to be a good man but evil is right there with me. I get tired of the same old thinking of grace and Jesus. As if it is a painting I pass on the way to the toilet. And yet here I am, only seeing Christ out of the corner of my eye. Glancing unimpressed at His glory and beauty, I have become familiar with the mysterious crucified Christ. My Lord has become an obligation, nay an occupation that I MUST perform to. I have become hardened not by the study of Scripture but by the lack of love and care for intimacy with the Word of the Living God. God’s book is something I tell others to love but I myself am not lost in my lover’s stare. I do not gaze upon the beauty of the Lord as young girls flock to see old “what’s their face” in Twilight. I have been the whore who is easily drawn to lesser loves. I have given myself up to temporal wastes of time and energy all the while despising myself for not being with the King of glory. I have been restless and looking to the horizon. My mind ever consumed with the “What Ifs” of my existence. “What If” we get to adopt? “What If” I lose my job? “What If” I fail at being a faithful husband and Christian? “What If” I never lose weight? “What If” I plant a church? “What If” I do well at being a father and a husband? “What If” I can’t pay my mortgage? “What If” I am missing the point?
I am loved by God. He loves me, not because of the “What if’s”. He loves me because He has set me apart for His eternal glory and for my good. He is with me. He is with me! He looks at me not with anger or disdain, but rather He sees Christ. He sees Jesus. I have trusted that Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life. And it is His righteousness that God sees in the place of my filth and my idolatry. Beauty is, I am not alone. Jesus is living in me, fighting sin, and thwarting the enemy. I am following Him because He is the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be (sorry Hit Man). Jesus will never leave me or forsake me. He has given all of Himself up for me. He is the treasure that is buried in the field that a man sells all that he has to obtain. I have the power and ability than to forsake all things that have no eternal significance and embrace the one thing that matters. Jesus died for sinners, of whom I am chief. I need to walk in the identity that I am a child, a friend, a servant of the Living God. That He has set me apart for His purposes. And I will sing a new song. He is the King of glory. Come Lord Jesus, Come. I am hidden under the refuge of His wings.
How to Be Honest
My sin has been exposed to Jesus. I do not need to fear you. I do not need to hide my sin. My sin is real but so is my Savior. Jesus has forgiven me. He also gives me the power to walk in His way. I have been given a new heart in order to love Jesus in obedience and faith. I sin against a holy God, who has forgiven me on and by the cross of Christ. I don’t believe this very well. I wake up with guilt from yesterdays gone by. I believe, help my unbelief.