I am not supposed to tell you this. I sin. Sometimes it is with my mind and eyes and other times I sin with my actions. Sometimes I sin with my mouth and my feelings. I sin. The thing is I am a leader. I am a person that people look to for Christian guidance. I am a Christian leader. I follow Jesus. Sometimes I lose Him. But mostly, I follow Jesus. I am His disciple. Yet, I am undisciplined. I sleep in the afternoon. I don't read my Bible, like I should. I don't study enough. I don't think about godly thoughts (I'm starting to feel like Chris Farley). I keep thinking, who said I was supposed to? Then I think about the words of Jesus. I think about how He said, If you love Me, you will obey what I have commanded you. He also said, that His new command was to love. It's kind of confusing, because I love Jesus. And I still feel very disobedient. I know that Jesus is my friend and my Lord. I know that He is not condemning His child. I can't help but think that even in feeling this guilt, I am sinning. I suppose that I am focusing on the negative. My life looks more like Jenga blocks about to topple than a Pillar of Truth. I am a messy disciple. I am revaluating me. The other day I was thinking, that I look like a boy. Not so much my features, but the way I dress and carry myself. I don't have the fun a boy does. Mostly because I feel this pressure that I have to "measure up" to something. I don't know what. I sin. I am a leader and I sin and it drives me nuts. I desire to do good. To be a good man. To be a dangerous man. A man the enemy fears. I want to abide in Christ. I don't want to do what I do and yet sin is right there with me. Derek Webb's cd entitled the House Sessions, has a track with him speaking about our sin. He says if our sin was broadcast on the evening news and we had nothing to hide, it would change how we live, how we love. He went on to say that Jesus knows our sin and He knows us. His words challenge me, and yet I find myself in that self - loathsome mood in which all I can do is be afraid that I will be found out. I'll be found out that I am pretty good at faking it. Pretty good at having righteous indignation about others sin and yet I am angry at my wife for asking me to take the trash out. Pretty good at making a Bible study come together when I don't have very many original thoughts and I usually just borrow ideas and messages from others. I don't dig my own wells, in other words. Whose to say this is a bad thing?
I don't know but, I think I am always just playing catch up. Not like a competition, but more like a journey. A journey that requires me to follow a guide. A guide who knows the way. Thinking this way makes me look at others on the journey and envy how close they seem to be to the guide. And every once in awhile I look down at my feet and lose sight of where the guide went. The good thing about the guide is that He keeps looking for me. I just don't want to let the others down. I don't want the group to have to keep waiting on the fat kid, who keeps finding sticks to make into toy guns. That is probably my biggest fear. That I will let others down and yet at the same time I hardly ever think about letting down the guide. He seems patient with me and thankful that I am still on the journey and that I am glad to see Him.
I sin. And Jesus wants me. I love Jesus.