TO BLOG or NOT TO BLOG

That is the question. Life has been coming at me at a hundred miles an hour. As my wife and I have taken in two little girls to care for them as our own. I have discovered how selfish and lazy I have been. My wife is amazing. She has rolled with being a Mom like it was in her from birth. It's like second nature to her to take care of these little girls. I am, however struggling to find balance between my walk with God, my job as a youth pastor and being a husband and a new dad.

So here I am thinking, "How can I blog about this? - or "why should I blog about this?"

I feel sometimes that the people who actually read my blog are people I am in conversation with. So, why write about stuff I talk to them about? I think I need a theme or something to create some unity and purpose to write. Just writing about me and my experience seems prideful and self-indulgent. I mean, I have several things that I am interested in but none that I feel worthy enough to write about. How do I serve others by writing a blog? Better yet, how can I glorify God and enjoy Him by writing a blog? Am I just adding to the noise? There are already so many good blogs out there. Why add to the clutter? And besides, who really wants to read commentary from a broken down, ordinary youth pastor, foster dad, lover of Jesus who likes movies and football? I don't know why I even wrote this post.

Thanks for reading.

Why I am Considering giving up on POP.

100th Post

Where I Am
I am frustrated and worn, O God. I am distracted and entertained, O God.
I have been wallowing in self loathing and self pity. The world seems to overtake my thoughts and my sin is always crouching at my door step. I “feel” frustrated and unmotivated because I “feel” trapped in a rut of selfishness and apathy. I am truly confused. I want to do good things; be a good man. I want to be a good man but evil is right there with me. I get tired of the same old thinking of grace and Jesus. As if it is a painting I pass on the way to the toilet. And yet here I am, only seeing Christ out of the corner of my eye. Glancing unimpressed at His glory and beauty, I have become familiar with the mysterious crucified Christ. My Lord has become an obligation, nay an occupation that I MUST perform to. I have become hardened not by the study of Scripture but by the lack of love and care for intimacy with the Word of the Living God. God’s book is something I tell others to love but I myself am not lost in my lover’s stare. I do not gaze upon the beauty of the Lord as young girls flock to see old “what’s their face” in Twilight. I have been the whore who is easily drawn to lesser loves. I have given myself up to temporal wastes of time and energy all the while despising myself for not being with the King of glory. I have been restless and looking to the horizon. My mind ever consumed with the “What Ifs” of my existence. “What If” we get to adopt? “What If” I lose my job? “What If” I fail at being a faithful husband and Christian? “What If” I never lose weight? “What If” I plant a church? “What If” I do well at being a father and a husband? “What If” I can’t pay my mortgage? “What If” I am missing the point?
Truth is…
I am loved by God. He loves me, not because of the “What if’s”. He loves me because He has set me apart for His eternal glory and for my good. He is with me. He is with me! He looks at me not with anger or disdain, but rather He sees Christ. He sees Jesus. I have trusted that Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life. And it is His righteousness that God sees in the place of my filth and my idolatry. Beauty is, I am not alone. Jesus is living in me, fighting sin, and thwarting the enemy. I am following Him because He is the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be (sorry Hit Man). Jesus will never leave me or forsake me. He has given all of Himself up for me. He is the treasure that is buried in the field that a man sells all that he has to obtain. I have the power and ability than to forsake all things that have no eternal significance and embrace the one thing that matters. Jesus died for sinners, of whom I am chief. I need to walk in the identity that I am a child, a friend, a servant of the Living God. That He has set me apart for His purposes. And I will sing a new song. He is the King of glory. Come Lord Jesus, Come. I am hidden under the refuge of His wings.
How to Be Honest
My sin has been exposed to Jesus. I do not need to fear you. I do not need to hide my sin. My sin is real but so is my Savior. Jesus has forgiven me. He also gives me the power to walk in His way. I have been given a new heart in order to love Jesus in obedience and faith. I sin against a holy God, who has forgiven me on and by the cross of Christ. I don’t believe this very well. I wake up with guilt from yesterdays gone by. I believe, help my unbelief.

When

I want to change things about myself.

I want to lose weight; be more disciplined; love my wife better; fear God with sincerity; love my neighbor more consistently; plan my ministry better; be more intentional about giving a reason for the hope that I have; behave like a person that has hope; practice the spiritual disciplines more frequently; be a man that longs for Jesus' return over the return of my favorite sport season, be more generous; be able to balance priorities and fun; be a better master to my dog...

I am starting to read this book:

You Can Change by Tim Chester

Get it from Amazon: Here

Let’s see what happens.

The Gospel-Driven Church: Your Church Might Not be a Church If . . .

Jared Wilson shares his thoughts on Church in this post on his blog... Check it out.
The Gospel-Driven Church: Your Church Might Not be a Church If . . .

Sample:
You can't remember when you last heard the name of Jesus in a message.

The Easter message isn't about the resurrection but "new opportunities" in your life or turning over a new leaf.

On patriotic holiday weekends, the message is about how great America is.

On the other weekends, the message is about how great you are.

There are more videos than prayers.

People don't sing during "worship," but watch.

A Quick Note

1. I promise to write more on here.
2. You promise to comment more.
3. I am recently a foster dad to two girls. LeeAnn and Baby Bree.
4. I am at Student Life Camp with Jr. Highers.
5. Pray for us (mostly Kimberly, my wife) - See 3 and 4

Honesty: Death to Performance Post 2

And you probably thought this wasn't going to happen (so soon)



I had a talk with Andy on Monday. We usually do Sunday debrief and catch up on Mondays. We do the "Monday morning quarterback" for church pastors. The usual, "how do you think this went?" or "how was the (fill in the blank)?" We discussed the weaknesses and strengths of my message from Sunday. We chatted about his trip to Jacksonville for the district conference and how he was able to catch up with some old California friends. He was excited to be serving on the district board. He shared about his time with Jarred, one of our students who has gone to serve as an intern with 2nd Mile Ministries. We went to lunch with James Blackwood as is the custom for JAB (James, Andy & Brian) Monday Lunch. And then we came back from lunch and I had to "man up".

Why "man up"?

I have been holding some of my thoughts and heart back from him. He's my friend, my pastor and kinda like my boss (although we don't really have that awkward Michael Scott - Jim Halpert type of relationship). I have had problems talking about things with others I have been in similar relationships with. It's on me because Andy has never really given me the impression that I could not talk to him about such things. He's actually always been approachable and easy to talk with. So, I had to "man up" because I was living in fear of the conversation. Mainly because as a people pleaser, I did not want him to dislike me. A step for me in killing performance was to talk with Andy about these things.

Such "things"?

Now that I have jumped the hurdle of talking about it with him, I do feel more free to write about it here. My heart has been heavy for awhile. As I am learning what it means to walk in mission and live out the call of Jesus in my life, I have been wrestling with what that is for me. I talked to him about my future, my passions, my thoughts and my calling. We discussed what I had been wanting to discuss for months, namely "Where am I headed?" We spent a good bit on how I can utilize my time here at Hope for the Gospel and for my growth as a follower of Jesus, a husband, a pastor and so on. How can he and others help me process my gifts. I feel relieved, not because I know what is in store for me in the future but I know that my ally, Andy, is going to help me with egos stripped away so that we can make much of the Gospel here, there and everywhere (a little Seuss never hurts).

Honesty

This is so huge for me. I was living with a giant cloud of fear over my head. I wasn't trusting Jesus. I was sinning. I was sinning! I was afraid that if I was honest with Andy about my process, he would just write me off. "Go" or "I am the pastor, not you, and I will make decisions for this and that" was what I heard in my head as the scene played out. I was so scared that I was going to come across as this arrogant jack ass that thinks he knows the things of God. Truth is, I don't. I have been given but a glimpse through God's Word about what He wants from me. This is what I also took from the Honesty conference. I am still trusting God to do a work in me. To be honest and give people the benefit of the doubt has been a tough lesson to learn (still learning). I had been projecting my insecurities and past experiences onto Andy. He shot me straight, though. Told me that, in his opinion, I have a fear of the "settling down" - that in my life there seems that I need to have drama. Moving, new job, new whatever - and I agree that is a problem that I have. I am willing to work that out. I will try to figure out if that is driving these other things. Is that "need" driving my heart for church planting? I don't know but I am going to think about it.

Until next time:

²⁶Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. ²⁷And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. ²⁸And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. ²⁹For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ³⁰And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

³¹What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? ³³Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. ³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ³⁶As it is written,

"For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."

³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:26-39

Death to Performance (Part One)

Honesty: Death to Performance

I spent the day, yesterday, in Franklin, TN with a few of my brothers and sisters in Christ. Here are some thoughts that I had.

First of all, I want to say that I was confronted by the Holy Spirit (more on that later).

I was looking forward to Honesty:Death to Performance, mainly because I like being around Acts29 guys, but also because we would get to hear from Ray Ortlund Jr., Ed Stetzer, Scott Thomas and Jamie George. The subject matter was secondary to being able to hear from these guys. Something turned after we got there and I found myself being confronted with my sin. The sin that so easily entangles me is my lust to gain approval from others. I have struggled with it most of my Christian life (prior to coming to Christ it wasn't a "problem" per se, it was just a symptom of my unbelief). In some ways my pride of wanting people to like me (sin) was fed by various things in my story, but nowadays the sin manifests and feeds itself through my career (ministry). I always want the parents in our youth group to like me and I want their kids to like me. I want the elders and deacons to approve of what I do. I want to be on the "right" side of certain theological discussions so that people respect me or like talking to me. I steal glory from things like sports teams or movies or bands so that others will identify me as one of their own and thus like me (living in Alabama with two SEC teams to choose from makes this complicated). My job is one that requires interaction with people and this feeds the addiction of wanting people to "like" me. It's not enough that people respect me or whatever; it's that I want them to really like me.

The other edge of the sword is that I also struggle with the sin of self-pity or self loathing. I feel that I don't measure up to my own expectations and the bully of it is that I am the one setting those expectations. When I was a kid, I would punish myself before my mom could get to it. I would put myself in the corner or whatever, so my mom tells me. In some ways I still do this, only I do it with my Father in heaven. I become aware of my sin and instead of mortifying the sin I punish myself in various ways or I would even view things not going my way as God's tangible punishment.

Yesterday, God met me in Franklin, through his men. As they unpacked (as Ed Stetzer would say) what Gospel centered living, and for me ministry, looks like I found the grace of God running deep there. I found that I had been caught up with performance in my head. I disguise it by saying things like, "I wish I had more kids in our Sr. High youth group". The sin behind a comment that can actually be viewed as good, is at the heart of that I am really believing the lie that God isn't sovereign and has precisely who he wants in my life. Could I do more? Sure. But do I trust that what I am doing is given to me by God to do and He is the one in control of the results? No, if I am honest, I don't trust - this is sometimes called unbelief.

Yesterday, I fell into the depths of His mercy. I heard things that I had probably heard before. The Gospel isn't new to me. However, it is still as much needed for me today as it was when He began this good work in me. The Gospel isn't just the beginning of my Christian walk, it is the middle and the end as Ed Stetzer put it; it is the journey to live out who I am in Christ; from performance (to please God) to response to what God has done, namely Jesus' gospel(this pleases Him). That gospel being the life, the death, and the resurrection of Jesus for the glory of God and my gain. Yes, my gain. Jesus' propitiation for my sin covers these sins too. The thought that God approves of me because of Jesus is overwhelming but so true. Gospel. There is nothing that I can do to make him love me any more and there is nothing that I can do that would make him love me less because that love is found in Jesus. I am in Him and therefore the Father sees Jesus when he looks at me. That is good news. And it is grace. That which I couldn't do Jesus did. That is a release of a lot of pressure. Ed Stetzer said, the gospel is not about getting people to turn over a new leaf, but for them to embrace new life. I am that person.

More later.

Donald Whitney Giveaway

You need to take the time and go through the steps. A chance for one book from Donald Whitney is worth it!

Donald Whitney Giveaway

And you'll get to subscribe to a useful blog.

The Tears of the Saints

So Shall It Be

Stand and lift your heads
Redemption is drawing near (Luke 21:28)
The armies of heaven
Are riding in the air (Revelations 19:14)

Look into the clouds
Every eye will see
Christ coming down
So shall it be (Revelations 1:7)

Like lightning through the skyEveryone will know (Matthew 24:27)
Jesus is alive
And reigns forevermore

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

Praise be to the savior
Praise be to the king
Who conquered death and sorrow
And made our hearts to sing


Thanks Mark for coming to Hope Church. I hope we were able to be a blessing to you. You certainly encouraged me and blessed me.

You Have an Opportunity

My Frustration with Current Youth Ministry

I was at the Gospel Coalition a couple of months back. Lots of pastor's who love the Gospel; the incarnation, the sinless life of Jesus and his obedience to death on a cross as a penal substitution for our sins, His resurrection that triumphed over death and the grave and the fact that He is seated at the right hand of the Father interceding on our behalf and that He will return again as King.That Gospel. Anyway, I met a few youth pastors, this is not a blog about them.

I felt a little bit like an outsider at this conference, although I was in a good percentage of the age bracket of those in attendance. Being in youth ministry and being a Calvinist (yeah I said it), proposes all kinds of challenges. Mainly because deep thinking and theology (of that kind) are not held in high regard within most youth ministry circles and the trendiness of youth ministry things are not looked at favorably among those who run in the "Gospel Coalition" circles. It seems to me that there are not very many Calvinistic/reformed leadership in the area of popular youth ministry. I have trouble bringing the world of Keller, Carson and Piper (for example) into youth ministry. I long for youth ministry to feel the weight of the Glory of God. And at the same time I feel like I don't have time to play around. Am I stretching my calling or do i need to suck it up and play a game or two?

I love to preach God's Word. I purposefully use the word preach because "teach" is not what I mean. I think there is an unspoken expectation in youth ministry to "teach" youth God's Word but don't preach to them. I have been "preaching" angrily on Sunday nights. My wife said that I have been saying, "you should" do this or that more than I have been salting my speech with grace. Some of that I admit was coming from a place of authority to call them to purity and accountability. But I wonder if sometimes I am too hard or bring heat when I should bring light.

This is my frustration: That there is the expectation that youth ministry should be fun and trivial and that young people cannot handle hard truths and commands from Scripture and meanwhile they are leaving our churches.

I am thinking out loud. Any thoughts?

Mission: Jacksonville

Our summer mission team went to Jacksonville, Florida again this year. The green house on 24th and Pearl has housed us for another week. We had a few new faces and some familiar ones on our journey this year. Teresa, Alex, Jacob, Jarred and Abby were all new to the urban exchange.

Expectations were high this year as most were repeat missionaries. However, some things were not as clear as I thought they were. Cultural faux pas aside, we didn't submerge ourselves into the experience as much as I would have liked.

We did have some new tasks put upon us this year. As we took on a week of summer day camp. Learning to sing "Jambo" Swahili for "hello", and be ultra enthusiastic about it was a challenge. All of us were assigned different age groups of kids. Ages were from pre-K to maybe the 4th grade. Kimberly, Zach and Matthew had the youngest and largest group. They were amazing with them. Jessica, Alex and I were assigned the next group which had mostly boys. By day 2 I was ready to switch out with Teresa, who was way better at teaching and dealing with the youngsters than I was. I was a grumpy gus most of the week (more about that later). The next group had Andrew, Abby and our new friend, second mile intern, Harin as the leaders. The next group had Jarred, and another new friend, Nic (intern) as the leaders. The last and oldest group had Jamie and (thanks for praying) Ross as their leaders. Ross had his hands full as his group was made up entirely of pre-pubescent girls. He had his hair "did" differently every day.

We sang songs under the leadership of an intern; John. John did an amazing job with the help of his sound man, Garret and his "Hype-man" Jamal. John lead the songs and bible story times. Our group did a skit and they asked me to share the story of Jesus death and resurrection with the kids. John did a better job relating to the little kids than I did. I am positive that I over complicated the communication. But never the less the Gospel was clear to kids that week.

We had fun with the recreation. After Teresa relieved me from my group, I took her job as snack coordinator, something that is more my expertise. I had a great helper in Bekah. Jacob was on water duty, as he set up coolers of ice water for everyday. He did an excellent job getting the most important thing of the day ready to go.

We had devotional and learning times in the mornings. I am not sure what our students got out of it (as I write this I have not been able to debrief anybody), but I was overwhelmed again at how blind I am at injustice and taking care of the poor. I don't mean giving the poor a hand out, I mean being conscience of how I can help. There are already exsisting agencies that could use my time and my presence.

It was hot. The guys slept upstairs in what some dubbed as Sheol. We had a few fans, but it was just to push the hot air around. I would literally wake up because my pillow was soaked with my sweat. I only say this because I know that there are houses in that neighborhood that do not even have fans. It was difficult to get a good nights sleep. I was usually the first one up because I longed to take a cold shower and was awake from the pool I called a pillow. We made it through though. We really had no complaints. Mostly just jokes surrounding the utter hotness that was the upstairs.

I was angry in the flesh because of the lack of good sleep and I sinned with that anger as I let it corrupt my spirit. I was quickly irritated by some of the students actions and I let it get to me. I said some things I shouldn't. And to not let the devil get another foot hold, just know that I repented and asked specific students for their forgiveness. I don't make excuses, I sinned and needed to repent. 'Nuff said.

Jacksonville was different and the same this year. Familiar friends and yet we had other tasks and different assignments. And yet once again we came believing we were bringing the Gospel and God showed me again that it is I who is in need of the Gospel, still. I need the crucified Christ because I am a sinner. And I need to realize his resurrection has now made me a Saint that has the hope of the world, Jesus, living inside of him. I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus.

Vehicles

My good friend Dale recently posted on his blog a quote I sent him by Joshua Harris at the Gospel Coalition. The quote was: "The local church is not to abandon the mission, but it's the vehicle for the mission"

So I asked, "what kind of vehicle are we?" I am not sure that this is even the right question to be asking. However, Dale does an excellent job of answering the question based on the cars in his parking lot at work. I am going to cheat a bit and use google. So here is my response to Dale using some of his categories.

The vehicle I am stuck in a lot:



Notice how it says "Lazy Daze" on the front.

But, Dale is right, I too have a lot going on and maybe I am not stuck in a dumb daze so maybe I am more like this:

Fast and "office" oriented but really just going in circles.

God has not called us to zoom past life or drive in circles. We are designed for so much more. However, this is how I think the world sees my love for God:



A crappy hatchback that you don't want to sit in because you'll get burnt. And it is foreign to people.

At times I wish that people would see me and the church like this:

Trendy, American, Cool, Sleek,on the Cutting Edge.

We spend a lot of time and effort trying to be like this vehicle:




We (I) try to get "Back to the Future"; meaning that I am constantly wanting things about Church to either fast forward, get present or even sometimes get ancient.

However, the truth is that we need to be like these vehicles consistently:







Pray for us. Pray that we will recognize that we need to live an Emergency/War-time lifestyle. We are at war.

So Dale thinks I need to post more

He's right.

Where Did February and March go?

Okay so I have had several blog ideas and have failed to write about them. And I am cautious because I know who actually reads this silly thing. SO I will be bold and try to write some things.

Song that is messing me up:


Scripture that is equally messing me up:

1Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

5And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." 6And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. 7 The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. 8 But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death."

Revelation 21:1-8

I am cowardly, faithless, detestable, a murderer, sexually immoral, a sorcerer, an idolater, and a liar. But praise Jesus that He is not and He has redeemed me and he sings over me. Jesus saves me from those things and calls me His own. Which is why I am thankful for Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 6:11 - And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Amen

Monday is for Music

Youth Ministry

I am a youth pastor. I haven't written about it on my blog. Tonight (January 4th) at youth group, I found myself in an optimistic mood. After all it was the new year. We were light in number but we were a talkative bunch. I love these students as I have loved my former youth. I am excited about this year. I am resolved to study and pray harder for them. It is my hope that the Holy Spirit will infuse them with passion and heart. I am thankful for another year to teach the Scriptures in hope that the Word will change lives. May Jesus ruin our lives again this year!

A good reminder

Even for us in youth ministry...