CONSUMER = ME

I am a consumer. I consume things. I am not much of an artist, a creator, or whatever. I mean I have some creativity. I like to think that I can draw or create some poetry or write but when it comes down to it, I consume. I eat movies. I swallow up music. I buy books and sometimes glance at them on my IKEA bookshelves. I want to make time to give back. I want to write heavy, weighty, and intelligent things, I do. The problem is that I usually just write about internal struggles and the dilemmas I have. Like now, this little observation of myself being frustrated with being a consumer. I think some of it comes from being slothful. My head is full of so many things I want to do. Things in youth ministry and things with the church. Things with my wife and many things that I want to have time to do myself. I get so busy thinking about these things that often times I lock up and don't do anything. It's like I can't focus my mind on tasks and therefore I keep getting frustrated because I don't accomplish the things I want to get done. It's weird. I know, it sounds like I need meds. I don't think I do, I just gotta get things done. Speaking of getting things done, I have to finish watching this movie.

ALABAMA

We are in Madison! Well, we made it. I have been gradually been working at the church getting things set up there and Kimberly is setting up our apartment (again). We are so ready for some rest from moving. It seems like we just got used to Irving and now we are having to re-learn how to find things and build new relationships. We are so excited about that. I don't think the idea has caught up with us. This week has been the down load info week and I am still adjusting.

It is good to be mindful that I don't have to talk to Andy (pastor) about everything all at once. And that our relationship has grown naturally. More to come...

Youth Ministry Redux

To all of you who actually read this. Thanks.

Well, we are back in the grind of latte pouring and tutoring. We had an excellent trip to Madison, AL a town just outside of Huntsville - home of the NASA space camp. We really enjoyed the experience. I wrote about the busy schedule on my myspace blog. I am not going to go into the details of the scheduled visit. I will instead blog about what Kimberly and I are going through.

Ever since we left Boston to help my Mom we have been asking God - "why?" and "what are going to show us now?" Because for us Boston was just as much about the things God was doing in us as much as it was about the things God was doing through us. On this side of Boston and the Church Public and the CCPC and the wonderful friends and the beautiful experience that was a year of our lives - we thank the Father for giving us the gift of ever increasing our faith. In walking the Proverb, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." When it seemed like our path was crooked or not really fitting our definition of what we thought was "right" Jesus showed us His way.
And even now, living with friends, being humbled by His mercy and knowing what it is to be content in all circumstances we have discovered that we desire to live our lives in passionate pursuit of Jesus. And to live such a life in the midst of teenagers and young adults and adults for that matter for His renown. I am still learning that whether I am at Starbucks or working in a church, that I need to live a life fully submitted to the cause of Jesus and to the will of the Father. I believe that though I am often times a failure at this purpose - I do not lose hope because God is already causing me to love Him even more because of His amazing beauty and majesty.

Why write this?

Well, we have known dark times in the past two years. We have known moments of triumph and the ugliness of sin. the one thing that has remained constant is the grace of Christ in our lives. And it is this grace that continues to beckon me to be in vocational ministry. Being on a church staff seeking to do God's will and to be a servant. Rob Woodrum has always quoted the words of Jesus to me in saying, "no matter what happens, we are still unprofitable servants." I do want to make a difference in young people's lives for the sake of Jesus' name. But it is for His name that I desire to see Him lifted up. As for me and anything that I would consider "mine". I am unprofitable. May Jesus be glorified in all things. May people see and be brought to joy because of it.

SO...
With that being said, my hope is not for Kimberly and I to go to Hope Church for the sake of Brian and Kimberly or even the sake of Hope Church. I do hope that no matter what happens that the glory of the Father will fill our hearts and our heads as we continue to trust Him. That if we remain and Hope finds the person God has for them - that our journey with Jesus will be united in the victory of the Son over sin and death at the cross of calvary. If we go to Madison, then I hope that the untamed Son of God will show us His way and lead us to His cross so that we may lift Him high in that place among those people. Jesus be Jesus.

That is my hope.

Jesus Camp

Well, I watched Jesus Camp, a documentary about a Charismatic Kid's Camp in North Dakota. There was a great deal of media buzz about it last year when it opened in select cities across America. And now that it is on DVD and is more widespread people may start talking about it. It's been reviewed positively and negatively, in regards to content. Both Fundamentalist Christians and Leftist Secular Humanists hold it up for their "case".

I want to address some of the content of the movie and some of the "backlash" that this film has generated. As a Evangelical Christian youth pastor, I can relate to some of the statements made by Becky Fischer, the children's minister. She articulates her beliefs passionately in the film.






The directors have claimed that they in now way edited the content to be bias or prop up an agenda of any kind, but I disagree with their claims.

Heidi Ewing, Rachel Grady

First, there is an overwhelming sense that a political message is being droned into these kids. Over and over in the film there is a "war" rhetoric that the Christians in the film use. "This means war!", Fischer shouts over and over to her kids at camp. There is a scene in which some kids are doing an interpretive dance presentation in war paint. The kids themselves talk in warrior metaphors and claim that they would gladly die for Jesus. Once or twice it is put into true biblical perspective.

" For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

There are several scenes in which a political slant is given to all that the camp leaders do. The intent I believe was to focus on the portrayal that religion is evil indoctrination and brainwashing done to children. They allow the audience to view Fischer's statements about Islamic fascists training their children to be suicide bombers as the same as Christian's training their kids at Bible camp. There is a major difference from praying about our leaders, judges and nation, than blowing people up in the name of Allah. Yes there are Christian extremists who bomb abortion clinics, and shoot abortion doctors. But, that is not being taught by mainline Evangelical churches, nor I believe the intention of Fischer and her camp leadership.

There is a lot of speaking in tongues in this movie. There is one scene in which one of the girls is crying and praying and speaking in tongues uncontrollably. There is no way any of the non-Christians watching this film are going to understand that. Speaking in tongues is a hotly debated issue in Evagelicalism. Charismatics let it rip. While others believe that this is a private thing between the believer and God. Speaking in tongues is debated so many places that it's not worth the time here to talk about it. This is a secular film that is freely watched by anyone and I don't think that aspect of worship is going to be understood by unbelievers.

BRAINWASHING (Dictionary.com)

1.	a method for systematically changing attitudes or altering beliefs, originated in totalitarian countries, esp. through the use of torture, drugs, or psychological-stress techniques.

2.	any method of controlled systematic indoctrination, esp. one based on repetition or confusion: brainwashing by TV commercials.

3.	an instance of subjecting or being subjected to such techniques: efforts to halt the brainwashing of captive audiences.

The protagonist is a radio talk show host on Air America. Mike Papantonio, host of Ring of Fire, claims to be raised a Christian in the film, but takes an issue with the kid's camp. He has obvious political leanings himself and on a Good Morning America interview comes down on Homeschool Moms who teach their kids that Global Warming is a myth and the earth is only 6,000 years old. Global Warming is something that in the year that the doc was made probably did not have the coverage or information as readily available as it has since An Inconvenient Truth came out. As far as young earth creationism is concerned, well Christians debate that as much as we debate Speaking in Tongues. In Part 2 of the interview, Fischer claims that the Disney company, parent of ABC in which GMA is on, promotes witchcraft and indoctrinates in a more subtle way. It is about the minds of kids. Impressionable kids. Whether kids should feel grief over sin. At one point Papantonio suspects whether or not a five year old knows what sin is or has even commited a sin. In the interview both he and the GMA host, snicker over stealing a cookie from the cookie jar as a five year olds sin. This is obviously the problem with most people. There is no concept of what sin really is. Sin is not something that only makes you feel guilty or shameful. They believe that is is about feeling bad. If something makes you feel bad, then it is sin. If it makes you feel good and isn't hurting anyone then it's not really a sin. One review of the film, says, "I cringed at every tear these children shed for sins they never committed." (Emphasis mine). The truth that Christians cling to and are responsible to teach children is that sin is something that grieves God's heart and does not meet His standard of holiness. His standard - not ours. The "emotional" response then that the children have over repentance in the film is not guilt or sadness. In most cases if they were asked, the children would probably have said that they are weeping because they love God and want to please Him because of His great love for us.

Some claim this film exposes Christian child abuse and manipulation. That Christians are brainwashing kids to follow doctrine. "Brainwashing" carries such a negative context doesn't it. How do we teach at school's without a little "brainwashing"? How do we teach kids to follow common laws without a little "brainwashing"? Thinking for ourselves is something we Westerners hold dear. But, are we really comparing Bible camps to Sudanese militant camps? People are saying that it is no different than to Islamic fundamentalists teaching their kids how to kill in the Jihad. Is it really? I have done several Christian summer camps. I have never experienced a time when we told kids to kill people in the name of Jesus. Quite the contrary happened. We asked kids if they were willing to lay down their lives, literally and symbolically for Jesus. Were they willing to die to share the love and message of Jesus? Because, believe it or not there are people who will kill them for being Christian. And there are aspects of our life that we are to "kill" for Jesus - attitudes and actions that do not glorify Christ in our lives.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

Ad Hominum
There have been several immature reviewers that attack Fischer. Not because they disagree with her message or even her methods. Rather, they have chosen to attack her personally. One message boarder at IMDB writes, "there's a secret footage that explains why she eats so much and why she hates herself so much." It's sad really.

Documentaries recently, have agenda's and have point of views that they are trying to get out. And that comes through in this film. It is easy to see that the film makers had a particular way they wanted the audience to see the material. They gave you the conclusion by showing images that looked extreme and situations taken out of context. Bottom line, they did not want you to come away from this film with a good feeling about Evangelical Christian Kid camps. They led the viewer to believe that political indoctrination was supreme and that loving people was somewhere down on the list. They may have with all good intentions desired to show an unbiased look at "Evangelicalism". There is no mention in the film that Fischer and her bible camp have a charismatic slant. For those unfamiliar with Christianity they will undoubtedly come away from this film shocked and dismayed. Quite frankly, those Christians that do not "speak in tongues" this film will be a little weird. It all reminded me of Bowling For Columbine, how Michael Moore lays out his America's afraid and the government is keeping us that way opinion. And then he rode it all through the film. This little doc does the same thing - "Evangelicals" are indoctrinating their kids in religious right wing politics and they ride it all the way through the film. Fischer's passionate speeches are edited in such a way that the viewer has to come away with a feeling that she is a crazy radical brainwashing child abuser, especially if the viewer has no idea what any of the Christian rhetoric is about.

Watch Jesus Camp and think about it's content.

There is a light up ahead.

I hope that in the up coming months there will be clear direction on where this life is sailing us. Pray for me. Ask the Lord to make me lean on Him and thus make my path straight.

The Discipline of Grace

Preaching the Gospel to myself.

Taking off the poser mask and realizing "I am Not, but I know I AM".

Well, I have been reading "The Disciplines of Grace" by Jerry Bridges. He is one of my favorite authors on holiness, grace and the pursuit there of. I am confident of one thing: Jesus died for me. Yeah, I know - "Wow how cliche. Maybe we ought to put that in a CCM song or perhaps on a Christian T-shirt." I can hear the moans of, "is he still on this?"
Yes. I am still on this. This, being: Jesus died for me. I mean He freed me. I really get it. Mr. Bridges is bringing back to my mind the good thought patterns that I am a man in need of the Gospel and the Gospel is GOOD NEWS. REALLY GOOD NEWS. Focusing, meditating this new year solely on that one thing: Jesus paid it all. Done. Finished. And I am crucified with Christ so it is no longer I who live but it is Christ who lives in me. I have been walking around touting on and on about Faith Alone and I myself wasn't smoking what I was selling. I mean I believed it, but I did not own it and live it. I did not walk in the Truth of the Lord Jesus' penal substitutionary atonement to release me from the grasp of sin. The enemy doesn't want me to think about it. My flesh certainly does not want me to write about it. To tell the world that Jesus set me free.
Two Sundays ago, Kim and I visited Deliverance Bible Church in Hurst, TX. It's a church for punks and outsiders. The kind of church that adults wouldn't appreciate and the "in" Christian kids would feel uncomfortable attending. The pastor, gave a message about forgiving sin and then confessed some sin that he has been dealing with. He then invited anyone who wanted to confess to the church their sins, to come up front and well, confess. The line formed immediately. Intentions and motivations aside, the Holy Spirit moved the people to come. Some didn't get it. Others, sold out to the idea of sensing the freedom from just being naked in front of everyone with everything exposed (not literally of course). My heart was pounding in my chest. I was conflicted - do I go confess? Or do I sit here too afraid of what my motivation might be. Meanwhile, others were confessing their deep dark hearts. Liars, lustful men and women, thieves, perverts, homosexuals, junkies, addicts, idolaters, God-haters, murderers, everyone had a representative. My sin was now fearing man. I was afraid of what others would think. Even though almost everyone got up and confessed something. As I sat there I prayed, God make my intentions and motivation pure, no pride and no fear. And of course the Lord was gracious to answer. When I got to the front where the mic was, I was still afraid and tried to be humorous to make up for it. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people, I was afraid of what was going to come out of my mouth.
Like a movie of the past couple of months, I shared how I didn't trust God. I went on about how I envied other pastors and worried profusely about being in a position. I confessed that I had been angry at my wife - not because of something she had done, but just that I was angry with her. I was frustrated and wasn't following Christ with all of me. I was prideful and arrogant and I had to confess that too. I confessed to loving sleep over loving the Word.

As I went to set down, I knew I was in good company when others looked me in the eye and nodded the "I've been there, bro. Keep running." I didn't see thee before mentioned "sinners", I saw saints who feared God and loved Him. Disciples seeking the Rabbi, Jesus. And He was eager to be found. When we got in the car Kimberly confessed somethings to me. It was the first time in awhile I didn't get angry or resentful. And that is because some healing took place in my heart. Grace came in. Jesus showed Himself marvelous again. Just like Jesus.
So being disciplined by Grace - I am learning (again) - is a sign that I am in Christ. That He abides with me and I abide in Him.

Jesus is still setting me free and Jesus has set me free. Sweet.

Thank God for the book of Romans and for the apostle Paul.

More later.

My friend Bradley

Check out this ingenious fellow. His name is Bradley and he is HILARIOUS.

On Having Not Taken a Beating for Jesus, (Yet).

Sometimes I wish God's discipline came in the version of an ass kicking. This way I could clean up the blood and mend the wounds. Instead, I am left to wonder - "how long O Lord, how long will You continue to bear me up under Your wrath?"

Okay. I admit that might seem a little serious. But here at the end of 2006 I am ready to move out of the desert of this long night. I have been praying, thanking God for His mercy and for His grace. Mostly I thank Him for His discipline. I know that the Master, Jesus, bore all of my guilt and shame. And that He took my portion of the wrath of God. However, as His child I know from reading Hebrews that He chastizes those He loves in order to put in them what cannot be bought with gold, namely His character. Financial burdens, grief, loss of loved ones, loss of mission, and working at jobs just to survive is getting to me. This is not the suffering I had in mind when I told Jesus that I was willing to suffer for His name. The weird thing is that I don't think I am "suffering". I am aware of the plight of our African brothers and sisters and our Middle Eastern and Asian Christians who face poverty and death everyday.

It is foolish of me to think that this minor "inconvience" of living with another family and living to pay off credit cards is really suffering. Lame. That kind of thinking is lame. I mean Jesus had no place to lay His head. The discipiles and the early Christians took beating after beating for preaching the Name of Jesus. But, there in lies my mental problem. These circumstances I find myself in are not from preaching the Gospel. It is not as if the local government and the religious leaders took my possessions and my job and pummeled me with rocks because I was in the marketplace declaring the name of Christ. No. I am more inclined to believe these things are readily happening because I have little faith. I am not talking about naming, claiming nonsense. I am talking about walking on water, seeing blind men see, lepers beeing cleansed, Spirit of the Living God eveloping faith.

I have forgotten what it is like to really trust God and to have hope that tomorrow is going to be better. I have lost touch with doing all things for the glory of God no matter what the result. I am stuck in the thought pattern that because I stack boxes, sling lattes or whatever that what I am doing is of little eternal signifigance. I sin. And the enemy wants me to stay right in that mindset so that I will keep on sinning. That I will forget that Jesus took my beating and that each day is a gift no matter how broke I am. I am rich in that my inheritance is King Jesus. It's just hard to think properly about earthly things sometimes. It is hard to live out the Sermon on the Mount. It is difficult to be a follower of Jesus with all these stupid things the enemy and the world throws at me. Suffering, heh! I have not begun to know His sufferings. Each day Jesus must become more sufficient for me. His grace must become relevant all the more.
Each day I must die to worry, guilt, shame, pride, laziness and lust.

Today is a good day to die.

Butterflies

I woke up today thinking about reformed theology. I know I am a nerd. I dreamt of a butterfly. I got to thinking about how sometimes as Christians we use this imagery for becoming a new creature in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). The butterfly took on a whole different idea for me. A butterfly doesn't "choose" to become one. It is called a "miracle of Nature" or a biological process. I thought of it this way - if I believe that the Scriptures teach that God initiates and also draws us to faith, just as the caterpillar is drawn to make a cocoon and become something other than itself and God is the one working all of this into existence, how can this not be true? I mean we don't look at a butterfly and say, "look at what a beautiful creature that worm chose to become". No, rather we would say that indeed something miraculous took place in order for the Monarch to rise from the cocoon different than when it entered.

So, the process of salvation in of itself is a miracle of mercy and grace. I think that we have a problem with it because not all worms become butterflies. Why wouldn't a furry little floor crawler not want to become a majestic flying insect, bouncing heavenward? Is it because it's will is bound to a biological process of change or non-change? Or perhaps there are outside influences - such as hanging out with other butterflies that really makes or breaks the little crawlers experience to shun the wings or embrace the flight life? Or maybe our squirmy friends fate lies in the hands of its creator?

All I know is that I desire to fly.

TEXAS

So we are moving to Texas. Come this time next week I will be hanging my hat in the Lone Star state. Some people are like - Wha?!?

Well, as the story goes...
We have been struggling with direction for about a month now. Things fell through with my Mom. We have been looking for jobs and have hit the wall. We are looking for jobs in our related field but nothing worked out. Then the relationship with my Mom deteriated and we could not help her. She needs tons of help but it seems like we are more of a burden than helpful.

Our friends Erin and Lewis offered for us to come and stay at their house and they would help us find jobs. We could be useful at their church and also Irving is looking for teachers. So, we prayed and deliberated and prayed and discussed and sought counsel and prayed. The open door was staring down at us and we stood around and wondered if God was doing something else. Surely not Texas. I mean last year it was Boston. Then this year Tennessee. And now He wants us to move to Texas? At first we thought why not go back to Boston. We could do it again. And then we reconsidered. It was such a hard road for us. And this soon it would be even harder. Our finances are not in ship shape and most importantly we feel as if the door is closed on that mission in our lives right now. I don't know. It's like we are getting a big stop sign about heading back to Boston at this time.
Why not stay put?
Well, we have prayed through that. There are many reasons to stay. My sister and her kids live across the parking lot. We love the church we have been attending. We have friends here. We love the mountains. The thing is, we can't stay when we believe God is moving us. Jobs were just not right for us here and we believe the reason we came here was to help my Mom. This has been closed to us. We have tried to be helpful but we can't help someone who doesn't want our help. So we have been given the permission and the peace to move on.

We considered Mississippi, with Kimberly's folks. We just did not see a jobs really coming to fruition there. They live out in the woods and it is a bit counterproductive to getting solid jobs to pay off our debt. Driving an hour to Jackson is not cost effective. So, Lewis and Erin offered to help and so we go to Texas. With new hopes and dreams and low expectations. We just want to work.

So we live near this now. No Skyscrapers or the Big Dig. Just mountains. If it wasn't so stressful here it would be a great place to live. To seek and follow hard after God. In a little over a year we have gone through two culture shocks. I am trying to figure out what the Great Lion is doing with us. We moved here to help my Mom. It is difficult to help someone who doesn't want our help and doesn't really know what she wants help with. So, we are in a weird place. Careerwise - nothing, relationship with God - always changing us. So where do we go from here. Part of me wishes I would have never left PC. Another part wishes I would have never left Boston, but that is how it is when we follow the Spirit. I just hope He blows by here again.

Being at the Beginning

It is difficult to be at the beginning of things. Starting a community of people who are following Jesus and being their pastor is difficult. Knowing that I am responsible for them and myself - wow. It is not only a good thing to trust Jesus, but it is a great thing to know Him in all of this as well. I have to hold on to Him.

Prayer Chair Blogger Style (or an Open Letter to Surf youth 2000-2005)

As I am here in Boston planting a new community of believers, I wanted to write to you. I remember when you and I would meet to discuss the Bible and the things that Jesus was doing in your life. I hope that His peace and grace are with you. The same grace and peace He died for on the cross on our behalf, in order to deliver us from sin now and eternally. I am thankful for all of you. I thankful for your prayers and for the evidence of your faith even as time passes.

I am grieved that I hear and have seen some turn and return to things that only those who know nothing of His grace and mercy do. How you have allowed others to influence your decisions regarding your former ways and ways that are not beneficial for those who belong to the gospel. I am writing as your friend and as someone who you have trusted in the past to give you guidance. I am not writing as one who has arrived or is better than you. For some what I am about to say will be offensive. I hope that you will pray and think about what I have to write before you respond.
Some have apparently chosen to live a life of inconsequence. The sufferings of Christ are worthless to you. Instead of being godly men and women and choosing the hard life of sacrifice, dying to self - you would rather give into your flesh needs/wants. Let's face it was it all a pharce? Because if it was - why?

What I am trying to say is that for some of you, I thought I knew of the depth of love you had for Him. For Jesus, our Lord who gave Himself up for you. We spoke of how we never wanted to be slaves to anything but the righteousness of Christ. I spent time with you, believing that you desired the same things I did. To become more like the Jesus who loves us. I know that I am by no means perfect. I have made mistakes and do make mistakes. I sin, have sinned, will sin. But, the Holy Spirit inside of me drives me to the goal - of ever laying aside those things that do not bring Him glory. I am writing, after laboriously, and prayfully considering the state of those saints that I left behind. I am not writing with a self-righteous attitude, or for self absorption. Please understand this. Please understand that I am laying down my pride and myself to humbly come to you. Asking you to return to your first love - Jesus. Knowing that many of you may very well read this and never talk to me again or be very upset with my seriousness. You may not like what I am saying. However, I am being sincere of heart, desiring that you mature in Jesus. My aim is to reawaken in you the passion I heard you tell of and you desired to live out. I saw many of you hunger for Jesus and not just the things of Jesus. We have worshipped together, prayed together, played together, worked together, served together, laughed together and discussed the truth of God and love. And with that same truth and love I say to you I am concerned for you. Not for your souls for that is the business of the Holy Spirit. Hear me when I say that I have seen the evidence of salvation in you. So my concern is that you are wasting your life. You are called (if you claim Christ) to live a life worthy of the one who called you. Who has promised you a better life? Who has deceived you to believe that your life is worthless? That you would rather throw away the reputation of Christ in you.
Of course what I am saying is crazy, that I am going on rumors. My friends, I know you and at first, I couldn't believe what I have heard. I cannot just sit idly by why you go down that road where the bridge is out. Your lives are packed full of potential. Potential to do so good. Christ Jesus has redeemed us to do good things and yet some have decided to do the things that drag Him through the mud. I mean c'mon pot? Underage drinking? Drinking to get drunk? Sex? Drugs? Is it worth it? You have believed Jesus died for your sins, right? Why then do you chase after those things in which Jesus tasted death to set you free from?

You are sons and daughters of the Most High God. His child. He loves you. I love you. And I write this in love. Begging you to turn back to your Father, the Creator of the universe, Jesus the King. Have you been duped into thinking that you can wait till you're older to make a difference here? Do you think that you will follow the King when you get older and "settle down". Please, don't follow Jesus because you have guilt. Follow Jesus because your heart beats for Him. That you can do nothing more than live for Him - totally for Him. Was our time together in vain? Our time at Eastgate a nice get together for songs and nice talks with humor? Was I a horrible mentor/leader? If so I repent. I repent of not living Jesus for you to follow. Forgive me, for failing you in this way. Forgive me for being selfish and desiring my things over your joy in Christ. But, I have experienced the joy of you following Jesus. Teenagers and twenty-somethings can be disciples. I believe it. I have seen you die to self and love others.

Before, when you didn't know God, intimately as a friend - some of you knew the life of drugs and sex. Don't you know that these things are chains to keep you from running the race God has marked out for you? Some of you feel like you may have known God since you came out of your mother's womb. So, why trade friendship with the attitudes and things that are here today and gone tomorrow? When we walk in the Pleasure of God we are strong and live life to the full. When we surrender our hearts, minds and bodies to fleeting things, you know what I am talking about, we lose track of the thing that lasts - Jesus. Why become enslaved to mindless philosophies, and evil desires that corrupt the image of God and blind you to the truth. AND for what? For companionship, for you to feel cool, to fit in, to not be made fun of? For people to think you are a great guy/girl? Do you therefore despise the grace of God and the times you share with fellow believers? Are you going through something deeper? Why not share it with one another? Carry each others burdens.

You know the Truth. You know that if you are suffering that turning to things for quick fixes will and cannot help you. They only cause us to spiral further away from the One who can help us. You are my friends, so stand firm. It is for freedom, from sin that Christ has set us free. It's me, Brian, the guy who stayed up to 4 - 5 in the morning talking with you, challenging you, praying for/with you, and did this for the sake of Christ in us.
I want the best for you, all of you. You are gifted and talented. You are smarter than me. Build the Kingdom with that, instead of exchanging the glory of God for temporary drunkenness, because that is what most of it is - drunkenness. Whether it be drunk on hormones (sex) or getting hammered by drug of choice. So be drunk on the Holy Spirit. Walk close to Jesus and be refreshed by His intoxicating way. Many of you were going so well. You were growing in the understanding of knowing Him and being known by Him. It is NOT about do's and don'ts. But those things that God has shown you to do - do them. That is what marks you as a disciple of Jesus. I am confident that you know this. That it is about a relationship with Jesus. So how do you show Jesus that you love Him? By making much of Him with your lives. By obeying all that He has commanded us. No, Jesus did not say; "Don't party, don't smoke pot, etc." But He did say that if we want to be His disciple then we must crucify ourselves. Smoking pot, making out, looking at porn, masturbating, leading minors to drink or take drugs, is about fulfilling our selfish desires. There are also those things that no one can see, hatred for others, lust, selfishness, greed, envy and things like that. Attitudes that destroy us and harm others. Let us look closely at our hearts and remember who we are.

We are warriors. Poet warriors. Discover your rhythm and pace with Jesus. Follow hard after Him. Walk in the Spirit and we will not gratify the desires of the flesh. I desire for you to produce fruit with your lives. Fruit that will not rot on the vine. I want us to inherit the Kingdom. The Kingdom that Jesus offers us, here and now and to come. So let us bear the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and SELF-CONTROL. You know that I struggle with you, but we must remember that it is Christ that produces the fruit in us. So I say that it can happen. He has begun a good work in us and He is faithful to complete it. Do not let others hinder you from walking in the Spirit. Only you can prevent this in your life. Get away from them. Find someone who desires to walk with you in the way of Jesus and bear your burdens on Jesus and cast all of this on Him because He cares for you. He desires to change our hearts, our minds, our desires and our ways. Do not be deceived, my beloved, as Paul wrote, whatever one sows, that will he also reap. Do not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
So it is the cross of Christ that causes me to write to you in such a way. In hope that you will remember - not just the warm fuzzies of time spent in worship - but remember the bloody sacrifice in which the world was crucified to us and we to the world. Neither giving into these things makes you unlovable by God - nor not giving into these things will make Him love you more. The question is then -How much do we love Him? Do we bear the resemblance of Him who bore our sins on the cross?
Grace and Joy - AND NO condemnation be onto you - of our Lord Jesus the Christ be with you and may we be the men and women, Christ paid to make us into, on the cross.
Live the Gospel the mystery of Christ in you!
Humbly,
Brian
with help from the letter to the Galatians by Paul

The Journey

I am not supposed to tell you this. I sin. Sometimes it is with my mind and eyes and other times I sin with my actions. Sometimes I sin with my mouth and my feelings. I sin. The thing is I am a leader. I am a person that people look to for Christian guidance. I am a Christian leader. I follow Jesus. Sometimes I lose Him. But mostly, I follow Jesus. I am His disciple. Yet, I am undisciplined. I sleep in the afternoon. I don't read my Bible, like I should. I don't study enough. I don't think about godly thoughts (I'm starting to feel like Chris Farley). I keep thinking, who said I was supposed to? Then I think about the words of Jesus. I think about how He said, If you love Me, you will obey what I have commanded you. He also said, that His new command was to love. It's kind of confusing, because I love Jesus. And I still feel very disobedient. I know that Jesus is my friend and my Lord. I know that He is not condemning His child. I can't help but think that even in feeling this guilt, I am sinning. I suppose that I am focusing on the negative. My life looks more like Jenga blocks about to topple than a Pillar of Truth. I am a messy disciple. I am revaluating me. The other day I was thinking, that I look like a boy. Not so much my features, but the way I dress and carry myself. I don't have the fun a boy does. Mostly because I feel this pressure that I have to "measure up" to something. I don't know what. I sin. I am a leader and I sin and it drives me nuts. I desire to do good. To be a good man. To be a dangerous man. A man the enemy fears. I want to abide in Christ. I don't want to do what I do and yet sin is right there with me. Derek Webb's cd entitled the House Sessions, has a track with him speaking about our sin. He says if our sin was broadcast on the evening news and we had nothing to hide, it would change how we live, how we love. He went on to say that Jesus knows our sin and He knows us. His words challenge me, and yet I find myself in that self - loathsome mood in which all I can do is be afraid that I will be found out. I'll be found out that I am pretty good at faking it. Pretty good at having righteous indignation about others sin and yet I am angry at my wife for asking me to take the trash out. Pretty good at making a Bible study come together when I don't have very many original thoughts and I usually just borrow ideas and messages from others. I don't dig my own wells, in other words. Whose to say this is a bad thing?

I don't know but, I think I am always just playing catch up. Not like a competition, but more like a journey. A journey that requires me to follow a guide. A guide who knows the way. Thinking this way makes me look at others on the journey and envy how close they seem to be to the guide. And every once in awhile I look down at my feet and lose sight of where the guide went. The good thing about the guide is that He keeps looking for me. I just don't want to let the others down. I don't want the group to have to keep waiting on the fat kid, who keeps finding sticks to make into toy guns. That is probably my biggest fear. That I will let others down and yet at the same time I hardly ever think about letting down the guide. He seems patient with me and thankful that I am still on the journey and that I am glad to see Him.

I sin. And Jesus wants me. I love Jesus.

Trying to get back

Okay, I am resolved to write in my blog at least once a week from here on out. To bad I have to be at work at 5:30 am. I will write tomorrow...

So the Beach is Behind us...

There is a big change in landscape...

A Little Scar Tissue

Things have been fast paced in my world recently. It all started two weeks ago with the removal of a cyst from the back of my neck. The doctor numbed it and then sliced me open and cut the thing out. Kimberly nearly passed out in the observation of the whole thing. The only thing that made me a little unnerved was the blood trickiling down the left side of my neck as I lay face down, helpless on the operating table. I had a retreat to speak at the following day and kept pretty good strength although a little loopy when I took the pain meds. Everyone said it looked gross and I was just sore. The following Sunday, Easter, we left for Mississippi to be with Kimberly's family. I was feeling really naucious the whole trip and Kimberly drove so I could sleep. She normally makes it so I drive. She was such a wonderful wife on the trip. I kept feeling bad on into Monady and that night had a fever that ached through out my entire body. All through the night I tried to sleep. I mostly just sweat my way through the night. I felt cold though like I was outside in Ohio during the winter with no clothes on. I wore a pair of Kim's sweat pants, that I managed to put on backward. They barely fit my large body and I sort of just wished I could die. The morning brought liquid poop. Sixteen trips to the ol' porceilin throne. The trip home that day was difficult though I didn't drive. I had little or no appetite the whole day. Once we crossed the bridge in Pensacola our driverside back tire blew. Kelly, my sister in law, was driving the huge family van and was able to pull off and stop without killing us. Changing tires are not fun. Let alone on the side of the interstate, at night with two babies, three women and Franky. No offense to my wife's sister's boyfriend. There wasn't much he could do. I placed the jack in the wrong spot to jack up this monstrosity of a vehicle. And the wheel didn't go high enough to get the spare on. Fun. Kern, my father in law called a cousin of Susan, my mother in law, to come and help. He just happens to live in P-cola. He came and in like 5 minutes we were on the road. After two hours, he show up with an extra jack and everything is right as rain, mostly. I had to go to the bathroom again. We got back to home fine. Two days later we were heading out for another great adventure. This time it would be to Atlanta with the Covenant Seniors...

Fearful Excitement

Well, we have finally set a date for moving from Panama City Beach to Boston. At the very last of June we are hoping to be on our way to Beantown. Kimberly and I were in the car yesterday thinking, "this time next year we are going to be Bostonians?!?" It is weird to think about and yet it is what we know we are supposed to do. I think sometimes, "what if I don't measure up?" What if I don't 'make it happen'? It is a scary thing launching out into uncharted waters. I mean we have been in communication with some people in Boston, but I have never been there, I do not know what to expect as far as ministry environments are concerned. It will be good to own my own vision and to see if I have what it takes to serve the Lord without the umbrella of a "church". It is still scary to think that everything will come down to me and my decisions (for the most part). I just want to do this right. Everyone doubts my ability to make a living on my own. It is a scary thing to know the people who you admire and look up to don't think you can make it on your own. They haven't come right out and said it but, I just get the feeling that if they were straight up they would tell me that they think I'm lazy. That because I don't have a secular job that I am aimless and lacking in being able to provide for myself. I am 28 and for the last 4 years I have only really known church work. Which, I believe to be very hard work. It may not be a physically demanding deal, but my emotions and what not have been through the ringer. I sound so mopey. I have hope in Jesus and I can do all things throgh Him who strengthens me - even work at a "real" job.
Pray for me.

So this is Trust

Medical things keep adding up. Ever since Kimberly was diagnosed with Diabetes we have faced the money crunch. I can see why health care is such a "big deal" for Americans. I mean between her testing strips to her meds and insulin there is a lot of things to purchase. The Insurance only goes so far. So we are left trusting. Trusting that we can pay for it. Trusting that God will indeed provide for us. We believe that Jesus meets our every need and that He will meet this one as well. Her sugar doesn't want to stay stable so that is a bit on the frustrating side of things, but to be honest I guess I need to talk to God about that. I trust that He can bring this under control.

Boston. Boston? Boston.

Here I am supposed to be getting ready for a weekend retreat I am speaking at and once again I find myself drawn to what I can put off till later. I am not very good at typing. That is why I think I don't blog as much as I should. I don't do alot of things I should do. Like, take out the trash and generally help my wife out at home. I don't get the things done that I should get done first then have time to do things that are a little less meaningful. We are moving to Boston soon. In July, I think. I have never been to Boston but I hear it is a beautiful place. I know it will be a crowded place and I am a little frightened by that. I am not one for crowds or driving in big cities so who knows how this is going to go. But I believe this is where God is leading our family so I must go. We are going to start a collegiate church in Boston. I am excited and yet know that it is going to take hard work and sacrifice to accomplish our goals there. If anyone reads this and loves Jesus please pray for us.